Monday, January 22, 2007

Anne (Hit The Atmosphere)

There are times when I feel like I don't have a friend in the world.

We've waited so long

Every day the same mindless procession. Every day the same people, every day waking up expecting to feel her next to me, only to find an empty bed and the cruel tones of the alarm clock. I never know when another mission is going to come down the line; never sure how much time I'm going to get to talk to her, or even when or if I'm ever going to talk to her again. Every day is just another parade of the same bullshit, over and over and over. And with that comes the knowledge that, if I stay in the Army, I can count on a dozen more deployments just like this one.

For someone to take us back home

Every time a mission comes down, my heart breaks. Loving Anne made me want more; made the only thing I really wanted to be the chance to devote myself to building a quiet, simple life with her. I want to have someone other than her to be able to talk to. I want to know that just one other person in the world gives a shit about me. But I dont have that, and I know I can never expect any better. A hundred other people are missing their wives just like me. I'm just the only one who can't handle it.

It just takes so long

I'm barely a third of the way into my deployment, and I'm looking at the choice of either: A) deploy again when this unit gets stop-lossed; B) Deploy with another unit when I reclass, or C) spend the next 20 years as an officer. Isn't there a D? Isn't there something that lets me put her first? Times like this, I feel like I've made a mistake I can't undo. And it's just so hard to wake up every day with that feeling. I feel so alone.

Meanwhile the days
Go drifting away
And some of us just sink like a stone

I just want to curl up her in arms and cry. I can't handle this. I can't wait another month.

Waiting for mothers to come.

And in the words of Adam Duritz, that's all that really matters to me.


Blogger toadman said...

I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you.

7:46 PM  
Anonymous blue girl said...

I'm sorry, Milo. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

8:27 PM  
Anonymous Anne said...

*hugs you tight*

Oh baby, please don't sound so sad. It breaks my heart to know you're feeling bad.

Thought it might make you feel better...

8:57 PM  
Blogger Chris Rich said...

You may find it helpful to move from modes of evaluation that suggest a long depressing string of outcomes based on an initial either/or.

Imagine the unfolding of life as being similar to fractal structures in nature, asymmetric.

Back here, it is essential for the citizenry to to keep unremitting pressure to get you and your colleagues home.

Now as to the quandary of alternatives you are mulling, imagine them as only an initial set of choices and opt for whichever initial ones will give you adaptability and room for growth as the next option set looms.

With your innate skill and a dab of luck, you may be able to arrive at a point where nearly any affirming and empowering outcome is good and adjustable and outcomes that lack affirmation and empowerment can be rejected with growing alacrity.

A bunch of us get depressed when you don't have a chance to post. We fear the worst.

ANd in the days ahead I daresay there will be more pressure as congress finds its absent spine.

10:41 PM  
Blogger fjb said...

Hang in, Milo. You too, Anne.
Thinking of you, and hope that this will be over soon.

Advice is meant to be given and not necessarily taken, so here's mine. Don't be rushing any decisions. Take some time to figure out exactly what you want, not what others want for you.


11:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautifully written and beautifully felt. I feel your frustration and sadness. My thoughts are with you.

11:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh lord there is nothing harder than being deployed away from your spouse. You have to wait for a phone (unless you are lucky enough to have one where you work at) and sometimes you can't call at all and all you want is to hear that voice. I lived for that and my mail. Sounds like your wife is a very lucky lady to have a good man like you waiting to come home to her.

There are a lot of people here now trying to help you get home. We pray it is soon.

1:38 AM  
Anonymous Alice said...

Milo just know that others do care and think of you often! It must be very tough being away from your wife and family. I am always thinking of you and hoping that you are well. Take care buddy!

2:40 AM  
Blogger iamcoyote said...

I know it's tough, Milo, but you can take it because you've got to. And you don't have to make the decision tomorrow, do you? Give yourself a break, and step back for a bit. Sure, it's an important decision, but you and Anne can talk it out together - every new direction in a family involves compromises and nothing ever ends up as planned, but as I always say, "even bad experiences are learning experiences." Of course, I was the insufferable little apple-polisher, who loved school (at least until I started hanging with the 'wrong' crowd, but that's another story).

Basically, if you worry too much about making a mistake, you'll never try anything new or take the uncertain plunge into a different career track. You don't seem that kinda person, really. Just realize that whatever you end up doing in the future, at least you know you've got Anne and maybe little kidlets and lots of friends to support you. With a safety net like that, you're golden!

3:48 AM  
Anonymous Bob said...

I think this thing will end sooner than later but stay as strong as you can, I can't even imagine what you're going through, I could never make it, but you're doing it and that's something. Something big.

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Connie said...


We're all here for you friend, if only in our thoughts...

7:17 PM  
Anonymous JollyRoger said...

You better believe, a whole lot of us want you to be where you belong.

The abuse of the Armed Forces is an abomination, and 2 out of 3 of us here in the States want it stopped. We WILL prevail, and I think it'll be sooner rather than later.

1:24 AM  
Anonymous S. R. said...

The first chance I'd get, I'd tell the army to fuck off. It's just not worth it. My thoughts are with you, man.

11:52 AM  
Anonymous Anne said...

A good man will always do his best to make decisions he can live with later. That is both his tragedy and his glory.

You're not the only one who feels they cannot handle it, Milo, just one of the few who are able to verbalize it.

I've been on the other side of the fence - with two loved ones in 'Nam. Sitting on my side was safer, but almost as difficult. My prayers to you both. To you all.

7:55 PM  
Anonymous Carla said...

I can't fathom what to write, how to console, but want you to know you and Anne are in my thoughts tonight. Having read your blog for many months, I care very much.

1:19 AM  
Blogger teh l4m3 said...

...if I stay in the Army, I can count on a dozen more deployments just like this one.

Well shit, Milo, look at it this way: at least Rummy's gone.

Oh and re: Adam Duritz: Thanks for taking me back to my junior year in high school, dude.

Hope all is well on your end...

1:33 AM  
Blogger MichaelBains said...

I used to have to listen to the Crows when I was in down an' lonely moods.

I've learned how (and am Lucky enough to be able) to take care o' my emu self better now-a-days.

Well, a little anyway. {-; Ain't comparing, bro. (How could I?) Just relating.

Hang in there Milo.

8:30 PM  

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