Friday, August 04, 2006

Rise, Lord Vader

And now, I reveal my secret identity:

"Gasp..... Hiss..... Gasp.... Hissss..."

Ha! Gotcha!

Sorry about that. I just finally finished putting together my gear, and I was feeling in a playful mood. After my wife got home from work, I stomped around in this shit loudly humming The Imperial March from "Star Wars" for about twenty minutes. I'm sure my sex life is going to be nonexistent for a great deal longer than that.

Seriously, though, there is something truly fascinating about the nature of combat gear. Your identity is lost within it, hidden in ways that, before I had joined the Army, I don't think I would have been able to understand. Admittedly, I could probably draw a few choice parallels between "Star Wars" and the nature of our struggle against a ragtag enemy opposed to our hegemonic order of world affairs, and the ancient religious beliefs which underpin that conflict. But then again, I'd be too busy trying to Force-choke people. I'm sure that in the past, many soldiers have used this anonymous empowerment to abandon all notions of civility or compassion. I'm sure the uniform does that to a lot of people, as does any symbol of power.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

But rest easy, men and women of America! The rest of us just goose-step around our living rooms, making loud fake respirator noises through our mouths! These are the brave souls who keep your country safe, folks! Make sure to show your support!

I am the biggest fucking dork ever.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whats covering your lower face? Damn, thats going to be hot in the sandbox.

12:22 AM  
Anonymous S. R. said...

Looks brutal!

2:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well let's put it this way. Whoever has sexual fantasies about men in uniform can be deprogrammed by looking at those pictures. Which begs the question: If they can't keep you cool and they can't get you laid, what the hell are you doing in the army anyway?!

4:56 AM  
Blogger cinnabari said...

Oolala, a man in kneepads! Gotta wonder about the sex life of a man in kneepads. ;)

I think you look a little bit more like a camouflage Sand Person (see my political correctness! See it!) than Speckled Vader. But I am pretty damn sure that Force choking would be a very useful skill to have. If you figure out how to do it, lemme know, yeah?

6:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate to tell you this, but you look like my cleaning lady.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Spc. Freeman said...

Does your cleaning lady wear body armor tested to withstand 7.62mm 80 grain ball ammunition? If so, you need to consider moving to a new neighborhood of St. Louis.

And the thing over my face is called a gaiterneck. Don't ask me why it's spelled that way, it just is. Normally, I'd only be wearing that to protect my face during a sandstorm, but in this case, I gotta protect my identity, don'tcha know. And yeah, I can understand the "sand person thing," Cin, (By the way, the term you're looking for is "Tusken Raider"), but dude, my sex life is in enough trouble without my jumping around my living room, barking like a fucking seal.

And leave my knee pads out of this! A man's gotta get promoted to Sergeant somehow!

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She does when she cleans MY house.

10:25 AM  
Anonymous S. R. said...

St. Louis, eh? The power of Site Meter at work?

9:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know that get-up looks like it would be really hot when it was 40 degrees out, let alone 140 degrees out. For your sake I hope those uniforms don't have a lot of polyester in 'em.

10:55 PM  
Blogger cinnabari said...

Tusken Raider! Ah, that's right. My geekness fails me. ...Laugh it up, Fuzzball. When my age you reach, forget as much too, will you.

All I can say... you look hot under all that gear. Which you may take any way you like.

6:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The key is whether he looks hot, whether he is hot, or both. I still say he reminds me of my cleaning lady. I have some nasty things crawling around the house, and she goes armed.

6:49 AM  
Blogger Spc. Freeman said...

Like I said before, the stuff's not that bad. The only thing really HOT about all of it are the elbow pads, which trap heat like nothing else. Otherwise, I was quite comfortable with all of it, even under twenty some pounds of body armor.

And frankly, I don't want them to shitcan the uniform. ANYTHING is better than a starched-ass set of BDU's in Cat V heat.

7:38 AM  
Blogger Leigh said...

Thank you for the protection, all though I can't help giggling at the pictures, well that and the thought of you making noises as though you were the latest star wars movie.

Hope you are having a good weekend.

12:28 PM  
Blogger --spared-- said...

I like a man in uniform but that's about as sexy as Rumsfeld in checkered golf pants.

5:37 PM  
Blogger essa said...

It's funny how you still have the DCU cover for your flack (flak?) vest rather than ACU. I put that together for my hubby back in November... it certainly is an accomplishment, since it takes for f-ing ever. And yes, those ACUs are so much easier to maintain than DCUs or BDUs... Cooler too... I've just heard they tear easier. My husband says it's still a far better improvement. He just hates the sunglasses he has to wear... feels like a dork, he does.

6:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I understand Rumsfeld has to run from screaming hordes of women when he visits the country club. Of course, no one knows what they're screaming about ...

9:21 PM  
Anonymous S. R. said...

They're crazy about the perfect part in his hair.

12:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And the shotgun pellets in his face.

4:21 AM  
Blogger Pixie said...

I am the biggest fucking dork ever.

But you're funny as hell.

8:05 AM  
Blogger --spared-- said...

I think they're running away from him.

5:42 PM  
Blogger cameo said...

dorks are good!
i'm gonna show Noah this tomorrow - he's gonna flip! i guarantee he'll be walking around in his 'gear' for weeks when he gets a load of you in yours. (imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!)
Take care of yourself!!!!!

9:13 AM  
Blogger Softball Slut said...

Hey Nessa!!!! She knows what she is talking about! I think men in uniforms are hot and having to wear dork gear is just part of the of the sexxxiness. Sigh, guess I am a dork too

12:29 AM  
Blogger Jezebella said...

As a girl who loves an army boy with a similar dork quotient, I'm thinking of sending him a link to see if I can get him stomp around my house making Star Wars references. You never know: it might improve your sex life. Girls marry dorky boys for all kinds of dark reasons.

10:57 PM  
Blogger Ink and Stone said...

I'm just waiting to see your car/truck modded to look like Vader's Tie Fighter. heh.

3:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see a benefit here. If dressing men in sexy uniforms makes war more attractive, maybe the thing to do is to make them look just as dorky as you do in that get-up, in which case we will have a thousand years of peace on earth.

9:04 PM  
Anonymous delia443 said...

It's even funnier because I know what you look like under all that gear...more like Luke than Anakin.


10:45 AM  

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